Profile

I feel like my life has been one elongated invariable struggle that I don’t seem to get any reprieve from. I am 40 something and by now, you’d have thought I’d have some kind of solidity or structure in my life; instead, it feels as though I just exist.

I am not brainless enough to know that my life isn’t what I make of it but I find it extremely difficult to rectify or even get a grip of. I try but I always seem to fail, or that’s how it feels anyway. My biggest fear is that people will judge me, dislike me or - even worse - ridicule me for something I do or don’t do. Because of this, I feel thoroughly isolated and lonely.

I have a good family with whom I feel somewhat close to, though even them I’d like to keep at arm’s length, or further. I have a wonderful and patient partner and a grown up daughter who I adore! In April 2011, she will become a mother herself... something I am looking forward to.

I have attended a community mental health service - a charity organisation - for the past six years. It’s a remarkable place; very supportive, and it's helped me out of a rut. I have even managed to become a trustee. How I manage to befall such a post or cope with it I have not the slightest inkling, but I do.

My diagnosis is depression and BPD. I have seen the odd specialist throughout my life, but much of the time, this has hit a brick wall concerning prognosis and even help. I spend hours trawling the internet trying to find answers and have discovered countless pages that have been of great inspiration and people I can relate to.